hey, I started a blog! (a decade late and a dollar short?)
…actually, I’m resurrecting an older blog so I’m not totally behind the curve. my previous posts have, after a hearty laugh at my own expense, been locked. I’m not trying to disavow the person I was in 2011-2012, but also, who art thou, my sweet summer child?
I probably sound like an idealistic idiot but I solemnly swear to maintain this kernel of idiotic idealism from my 20’s until I am a withered husk on my deathbed, because that glimmer of possibility is one of those things that just makes life pretty darn awesome, despite everything. Even though I’ll be based in LA for a while and am restricted by the tyranny of “vacation policy,” I will remember that marvelous things are a hop, skip and jump away and put all my efforts into seeing them with my own two eyes, opened wide with wonder.
“Withered husk”? (death comes for us all) “The tyranny of ‘vacation policy'”? ( audacious capitalist fucks!)… PHEW, drama.
Anyways, I’m 30, almost 31, now. I’m allowed to rebrand.
So — here it is! A blog (again)…wow! Um, should be fun, right? (cue nervous laughter)
one of my ego’s favorite defense mechanisms is “Oh yeah, it’s Totally Not A Big Deal.” When things are Totally Not A Big Deal, then it’s All Good in the Hood! You can side-eye all the things you don’t like about yourself and your life, without fully confronting them. or you can take the things that make you feel vulnerable, or steps that are scary-but-exciting, and diminish their importance, and it’s okay if you fail, because your heart was never fully on the line, anyways.
If you’re a grade-E-for-EMOTIONAL betch (hi), this is unsustainable. You one million percent cannot hide from yourself. You will know that this is true when you suddenly find yourself prone to fits of hysterical crying — in bed, in the car, on public transportation — and you feel like a ghost haunting your own life.
Dr. Brené Brown told this story on Oprah’s SuperSoul Sundays about a man who had spent his entire life making things Totally Not A Big Deal (“My whole life, I never got too excited about anything. That way if things didn’t work out, I wasn’t devastated, and if they did, it was a pleasant surprise”).
Then, his wife died in a car accident.
“The second I realized she was gone, I knew I should have leaned harder into those moments of joy. Because not doing so did not protect me from what I feel now.”
Anyways, the reason I’m writing about this: of course, I want to keep things light and low-pressure and fun (I’m not a regular blog, I’m a cool blog!) and it’s a low-stakes project overall, but also, I’m making space for a more meaningful commitment to creativity, self-expression, and sharing. I’m giving myself permission to show up, and that’s bound to create some measure of terror-and-terror-oh-sorry-did-I-say-terror-twice-I-meant-WONDER. And I’m going to do my best to be Here For It, truly.
My single guideline, then — I’m writing for myself, whatever that entails. And that’s KIND OF A BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL. 🙂